these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Randomize
