did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
