Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
