Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Randomize
