Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize