Just cropdusted the office
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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