o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
