why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
We talked him into tasing himself.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
