There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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