Capitaan dildo arrescate!
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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