omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
