Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
