The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
