at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
