She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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