it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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