Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
