I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Randomize
