My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
