she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
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