Please don't use social media to get back at me.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
