Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
false alarm. still invincible.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
