Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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