Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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