So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
