oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
