1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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