I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize