My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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