if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
