I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Randomize
