my phone needs a breathalizer
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
