the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
And then my night got REAL pukey
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
