I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
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