I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
