I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
