if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
