$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I just pynch a tree in the face
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
