When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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