Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Randomize
