sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
My day in three words: secret purse cake
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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