i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize
