When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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