You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
