I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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