Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
