Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
