Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
