barbara walters just said penis...
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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