if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
