Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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