I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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