Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize