and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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