I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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