Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
