My Higher Power is John Stamos
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
