he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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