He is such a slut. More and more my type.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
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