It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
