yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize